Where real journalism meets italicized smart-assed comments.

by Gus Breiland

Where Not to Park Your Scooter in England
If you are going to be buying a scooter in Ipswich, England any time soon, be aware the government is a little trigger happy these days when it comes to new scoots without plates being parked in odd places.

Reuters London is reporting that a woman named Heidi Brown was told she could park her scooter outside the vehicle registration office as she waited to get her new plates. The problem is with the “War on Terror” we have a new batch of eagle eye watch dogs looking for suspicious vehicles. Consequently, a few of the neighboring business owners “raised concerns” that the scooter could be a bomb.

Naturally, the local police immediately leapt into action and with every available knee to jerk they evacuated surrounding office buildings, shut down three roads and called in the bomb squad to perform a little “controlled detonation” of the scooter…err…I mean “suspicious looking, could-be-a-bomb” scooter.

The police did confirm that they blew up the scooter due to its lack of plates. Hell of a catch-22 ain’t it?

Leather Eye For The Biker Guy
The leader in the new trend of reality dress up shows has announced it will be producing a new show called “Leather Eye for the Biker Guy”. Focusing on motorcycle rallies and events, the show’s host, Peter “Randy” O’Toole, will be walking around with his minions judging bikers’ ensembles and offering the latest in leather fashions. Mr. O’Toole stated, “Bikers have been giving leather a bad name for the past 40 years. We are determined to finally show them that their little hats, leather pants and vests are soooooo yesterday.” He continued, “Leather is more than just black and fringe. It comes in a rainbow of colors and is more functional than passenger pegs on a chopper.”

A team of 4 will take random bikers off of the streets of such events as Daytona, Laconia and Sturgis to give them a leather makeover. Richard Tinkler, the show’s producer, is especially focused on the women bikers. “They, of course, are going to be the ones more interested in the show for both its fashion sense and consumer sense. Men are too bull headed to listen to fashion. Plus considering that most of the leather fashion faux paux happens somewhere between a hot pink “g” string and chaps given to women by their boyfriends… well, you get the picture.” He later added that once they show a good-looking man in leather, the women will be buying that outfit for their men. “But in larger sizes of course.”

Leather Eye for the Biker Guy will air starting this spring. Mr. Tinkler expects this new prime-time smash family show to start many new trends in the leather industry. “We even tested well in India” he exclaimed “which really caught our attention and made us think that the world is ready for leather and we’re going to give it to them!” Adding that San Francisco, Provincetown, MA and New York also tested well. Leather Eye for the Biker Guy will primarily be run at 6 and 9 pm. Look for it this summer on Tuesday nights. You won’t be able to take you eyes off of it. Also on the horizon are a couple of monthly shows called “cHromo Biker” and “ChiPs Gone Wild”

H.O.G. Star®
With the popularity of the service “On Star” from GM, Harley Davidson has developed the latest in motorcycle security and service called H.O.G. Star®. H.O.G. Star® is a new satellite based system for biker assistance that will be available for Harley Davidsons in the 2006 motorcycle line up. The system will be an accessory and retails for $199.99 with a monthly subscription of $39.99. You will be able to buy it for any bike back to the Evo engine, but your Panheads will not support it.

“With the push of a button you will be able to call for support on a variety of issues ranging from the proper polish technique (clockwise or counterclockwise) to legal services to theft recovery.” said H.O.G. Star® Marketing Manager Stanley “Blowout” Rubenstien. “All you will have to do is push the little piggy with wings button on your handle bar and start asking questions.”

From a transcript of a call received during the testing phase of H.O.G. Star® you can see how the system worked:

H.O.G. Star® Operator: “H.O.G. Star, how can I help you, bro?”

Client: “Hey, some guy on a jap bike waved to me, what should I do?”

H.O.G. Star® Operator: “Did you wave back?”

Client: “No, my buddy told me I shouldn’t wave, that it is a sign of weakness.”

H.O.G. Star® Operator: “Good, we almost had to repo your bike (nervous laugh). If it happens again, just flip him the bird or ignore him. You are on a superior machine and you shouldn’t have to interact with any other rider. Is there anything else we can do for you, Bro?”

Client: “Na, I just needed to know if I should go kick his ass or just leave it be.”

H.O.G. Star® Operator: “Nope, just ignore them and buy quality Harley Davidson parts. Later, Bro.”

“The only issue we seem to be having now is the interface seems to be too advanced and a little awkward for our riders” stated Mr. Rubenstien. “Our system uses Blue Tooth technology from your helmet- to bike – to satellite – to Toledo, Ohio where our call center is forwarded to…. I mean, where our call center is. You can use H.O.G. Star® while moving but most of our riders hang their helmets either on the sissy bar or the helmet lock. This forces them to pull over and put on the helmet for a couple of minutes before they can start riding again. But we are working on a t-shirt where the ear piece is in the collar and the mic is in the shirt sleeve, and a ball cap, too.”

“What I think is really cool is you can see our satellite in the southern sky just after dark. Look for the chrome and black blinking object through your telescope and you will see the Harley Davidson bar and shield on what looks to be a flying hog. That’s us!” said Rubenstien

H.O.G. Star® will be available in the Fall of ’05. The system must be installed by a licensed HD Tech and will require your aftermarket pipes be removed for noise issues.

M.M.M.

 

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