by Tammy Wanchena
This June marks my five-year anniversary as a columnist for MMM. So I did a little research. Twenty-five of the thirty-five movies I have reviewed portrayed bikers as evil gang members “kicking ass and taking names”. That’s 71%. In five of the ten movies without gangs, the riders were heavy drinkers or drug users. My husband belongs to four different rider groups and owns a motorcycle magazine so you can guess I have met my fair share of motorcyclists over the years. I have yet to meet anyone evil and we all enjoy riding entirely too much to throw drugs and alcohol into our performance. So I ask you, who is writing these screenplays?
This month’s review is no exception to the cliche. “Lone Hero” stars Lou Diamond Phillips as Black Bart, leader of a pack of desperadoes who ride from town to town wreaking havoc. When they arrive in Profit, Montana they find themselves in the “smallest and sorry-assest town they’ve ever been through.” The town is a ghost town and the townsfolk who stage the showdown every half hour find these new tourists are looking for a showdown all their own.
The film starts out slow and finishes several weeks later. Although it did have a couple redeeming factors that I quit cleaning my kitchen and looked up at the screen for. Lou Diamond Phillips wears yellow smiley face boxers under his gay prostitute leathers. When the bad ass biker gang threatens one of the heroes (yes, “Lone” Hero was not entirely accurate) he cuts open a girl’s shirt and screams, menacingly, “let’s see her tits” at which point he unbuttons her shirt to expose her bright blue, zero exposure sports bra. So of course the good guy must betray his partner to save the girl. And then there’s my favorite part of the film. The gang keeps trying to sneak up on the good guys on their loud-piped Harleys! I’m sorry but that does not work.
This film was created for testosterone junkies who fancy themselves as bullies. The movie claims to pair the Old West with modern day action. It does, but barely. The film did do Montana justice. I love Montana but it is as hick as they come. There is a moral to this story. Don’t try to take over any town that sells bullets in their grocery stores!