“Cyclone” video112

Directed by Fred Olen Ray

Cinetel Films

(1987) 89 minutes

by Kevin Kocur

Before he directed such “classics” as “Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle”, “Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers” and “Super Ninja Bikini Babes”, director/writer, Fred Olen Ray decided to make an action film. What we got instead is this month’s feature film: “Cyclone”.

The film opens with several shots of a mysterious motorcycle, piloted by a man in an even more mysterious helmet, riding in the desert. Followed by even more shots of a man riding a motorcycle in the desert. Suddenly, we cut to a close-up of a woman’s breasts as she’s working out. Apparently the concept of segue has eluded ol’ Fred. The woman finishes her routine, and she’s replaced by scrumptious 80’s sex kitten, Heather Thomas. Sporting skin-tight clothes, hair by Aqua Net and leg warmers, Teri (played by Heather) embodies many of the things I loved about the 80’s. The film then cuts back to the mysterious man now working on the motorcycle in some sort of secret lab. Eventually, we discover that the man is Rick, Teri’s main squeeze.

What Rick’s been working on is a super-secret, $5 million Government project called the Cyclone. It’s so secret that he spends nearly every waking moment working on it in his secret lab—a lab so secret the Government doesn’t even know its location. Never mind that it’s actually behind a fake wall in his house. But Cyclone’s not just any motorcycle. It’s equipped with turbochargers, nitrous oxide, lasers and rocket launchers. Or, as Rick points out, “more fire power than an F-16”.

Teri likes to work out and ride her Ninja 250, while Rick likes to work on his bike and romance Teri. All seems to be going well in Teri-and-Rick Land., but it’s not to last. While at a nightclub, Rick is murdered by a punk rock assassin.

Mourning the loss of Loser Rick, Teri, now dressed in skin-tight jeans and a form-fitting AXO motocross jersey, decides to enter Rick’s secret lair. While pining away, her hand print activates a computer with a video message from now-dead Rick, who tells her all about the features of the Cyclone and how it cannot fall into the wrong hands. Teri now has a mission—keep the Cyclone from falling into the wrong hands. Does Teri have the strength and fortitude to pull off such a mission? More importantly, does she have one of those super-long belts to tie into a cute knot on her belt loop?

What happens after that is a page out of Unbelievably Predictable Plot Writing 101. The acting is horrible and the writing is worse. Even cameos by Troy Donahue and Martin Landau can’t save this stinker.

But at least there’s chase scenes—all taken directly from “The Dukes of Hazzard”, “Smokey and the Bandit” or “CHiPs”. The Cyclone conveniently jumps off of anything that resembles a ramp. And one car loses its roof when it goes under a semi trailer, yet the driver and passenger remain in pursuit. And while the Cyclone is boasting over 400 HP, it can’t seem to outrun a Cutlass station wagon.

In the end, Teri finally decides that it’s just easier to blow up bad guys with Cyclone’s lasers, than try to outrun them. If she had figured this out earlier in the film, I could have gone on to actually enjoying something that I was watching on my television…

If you do decide to watch it, keep an eye out for one of the early Aerostich Roadcrafter suits. I’m not going to tell you which scene it’s in. That is your mission.

M.M.M.

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