by Tammy Wanchenavideo53

“Cool As Ice”
Directed by Dave Kellogg
MCA/Universal Pictures 1991
100 minutes

Awww yeah! Word to your motha! Rip-off Rapper Vanilla Ice is ‘kickin’ it live’ in this month’s video disaster, “Cool As Ice”.

Vanilla is Johnny, a vagabond biker with rainbow colored Zubazz, a horrible haircut, one shaved eyebrow and a “gangsta blaccent”. As desperate as Michael Jackson is to change the color of skin he was born with, Johnny is also desperate to meet a girl he sees riding a horse. So he Steve McQueens the stable fence, causing the girl to be thrown from her horse. He spends the remainder of the film trying to make it up to her. And dancing with his homies. And rapping. And riding. And posing. He is, after all, “Cool As Ice”.

All right STOP, collaborate and listen. To add to the excitement of rap music, the film attempts to offer us a subplot. Vanilla’s love interest, Kat’s parents have a secret. Family Tie’s dad, (Michael Gross) and mom are part of the witness protection program. When their past catches up with them and demands retribution in the form of a large sum of cash, their lives and the safety of their children are at risk and it’s up to the white rappa to save them. Here we find another similarity between the gloved one and Vanilla Ice: they both have an amusing way of breaking into dance moves when confronted by a fight. Who’s Bad?

If you enjoyed such classics as “Breakin’ 2 Electric Boogaloo” and “Rappin'”, this may be the film for you. I was actually embarrassed for everyone who starred in this movie. I looked up “Cool As Ice” in Leonard Maltin’s film guide and was humored to find that in place of giving the film any stars from his rating system, he simply stated BOMB in capital letters. This is one time I have to agree with Leonard. And he doesn’t mean to say it was “DA BOMB”. Directed by David Kellogg, the film had cameo appearances by super model Naomi Campbell and Candy Clark and co-starred Michael Gross, Kristin Minter, Sydney Lassick, and Dody Goodman. But the movie clearly belonged to Vanilla Ice. It was more of a rap video and a modeling session than a story. He changed clothes so many times throughout the movie you could turn it into a drinking game.

Film Highlight: A bike mechanic offers Vanilla Ice $600 for his Suzuki GSXR. The comment is made that the bike cost more than their entire house.

Favorite Ice Pick-up Line: You needs to drop that zero and get wit’ the hero.

Humorous Observation: Vanilla Ice is referred to as a “big, macho biker”.

That’s it. I’m O-U-T- Out!

M.M.M.

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