by Tammy Wanchena
A shapely tattooed thigh reads “Can you ride this?” A gaggle of squids and dirt balls flock around a sea of neon Jap bikes and Hogs. The air is thick with attitude and bullshit. Did “Storm” pussy out of the race? Hell no! He is simply making a grand entrance. “Hear ye, hear ye… the Black Knights are in town. All you mere mortals best bow yourselves down.”
The race begins. Hitting speeds that obviously prove their cajones are the size of cantaloupes, Choo Choo attempts to de-crown Storm, the King of Cali. Choo Choo’s bike hits top speed, shakes violently, is thrown off track and flies right into Will, Captain and head mechanic for the Black Knights, killing him instantly. Now Will’s son, “Kid,” must avenge his father’s death by racing “Storm,” his dad’s best friend in order to recover the “crown”, a butt-ugly helmet with spikes along the neckline.
Little does Kid know, his mom used to be a hoochie and Storm is his real father, elevating the film to a new George Lucas level. It’s father against son in the race that could change their lives forever.
While the plot may not be original, the film’s choice in casting is. I hear Sylvester Stallone is making another “Rocky” sequel. The reason I am reminded of this is because Laurence Fishburne is not a young man. Neither is Sylvester Stallone. Yet we are supposed to believe that Laurence is spending his time riding around with a gang of old farts racing loudly-striped cop tormentors. This film is “The Fast and the Furious” played out by over-the-hill guys in leather on motorcycles.
In Vin Diesel’s place we find Derek Luke, our young, sexy, tough and bald guy with a grudge. But the most amusing character by far was “Dog” played by Kid Rock. Talk about type casting! Kid Rock is an affront to cleanliness. Dude, wash your hair and get a hair cut. The eighties are over! If you need to work that hard at proving you’re a bad ass, what does this tell you?
Believe it or not, I did not hate “Biker Boyz”. I actually found it quite amuzing. I only wish I had watched it with friendz so they could share the laughz.