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by Victor Wanchena 

During this holiday season, we are supposed to be mindful of all the important things in life. That’s all well and fine, but if you’re a kid, or big kid like me, it’s all about the presents. Sure my favorites are the kind the use gasoline, but they’re hard to wrap and don’t fit well under the tree.

We all remember tearing into the wrapping paper in hopes that the Red Ryder BB gun or super cool action figure with the kung fu grip would be there. Knowing that you parents out there wouldn’t want to disappoint your kids, we sent our crabby film critic, Kevin Kocur, out searching high and low for the worst motorcycle toys available. Why, might you ask, did we waste precious riding time during this unseasonably warm fall looking for crappy toys? Simple; we’re cynical and opinionated. Enjoy.

Barbie dressed as Batgirl with her Batbike
TWWWEEEET! Our refs are crying foul! The real Batbike was actually a 60’s Yamaha, NOT an R1, posers! Barbie, however, looks anatomically correct in her “painted on” Batgirl outfit. Be prepared for the inevitable question, “Mommy, what are these bumps on Batgirl?”

The Pink Power Racer
This pink, battery operated ride-on motorcycle is just the ticket to boost the confidence of your bedwetting son. Oh, and not to be anal, but it’s actually a TRIKE, people! The pink part is correct, but we have grave concerns about the power racer aspect.

Little Tykes Police Cyclesounds Rocker
Now your little rug rat can pretend to be The Man. Stage your own episode of COPS right in your living room. Take down the Hells Angels without any backup! (cardboard Sonny Barger replica not included)

Chicco Radio Controlled Ducati Motorcycle
Despite the description, this looks NOTHING like a Ducati 999. Claimed to have realistic sounds; sure, if a 999 sounds like a clapped CB650 running on 3 cylinders.

Little Tikes Motorcycle Hauler
Great, let’s start them early with the concept that motorcycles belong on the back of a truck, getting hauled to some pose fest. We did note that Little Tykes did choose a pair of sport bikes to throw on the back of this toy; an obvious reference to squids wadding their rides on freeway on-ramps.

This was the long way of saying don’t buy that crap. What little Billy or Jenny needs is their own set of riding gear: a good jacket, gloves and a helmet. Start early and plant the seed. What would be cooler than mom or dad dropping their kid off at school on a motorcycle? Certainly that’s the kind of positive imagery to keep the bullies at bay. Your kid’s lunch money is safe and their self esteem well protected.

M.M.M.

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